Well, pop my buttons and call me Mauge Adelquiss... Smash hit news for all Dynasty fans out there... It seems Soap Queen Miss J. Collin's plans to return to the new series of Dynasty as super bastard 'Blake' have ground to a sudden halt; forcing production on the highly anticipated re-boot to grind to a sudden halt.
A little know fact about Mdme Collins; (known to her friends as 'Bitch Deva') is that for many years she has suffered with 'grumbleblisters'. A rare and frequently sometimes debilitating syndrome that can prevent movement of the ears and stagnate resting body fluids. Limited to women of mysterious age, grumbleblisters are know to affect actress types and media whores; the condition can last anywhere from two weeks to a fortnight, and as quickly as it flares up, it can also grind to a halt quite suddenly.
Sources have disclosed that Ms Collins; (affectionately known by colleagues as 'Granny Cheddar Tits') insisted that in the new series she would perform ALL her own stunt; and in a pivotal scene where Lady Collins lashes out at new character 'Bamboo Carrington-Colby', a particularly angry grumbleblister exploded, showering the cast and crew with infected glust. In a scenario reminiscent of the famous 80's 'Gay Kiss' between Krystle and Rock Hudson, cast members have been left wondering if they too will become ill with the syndrome. Delores-Bethy-Anne-Sue Goldstien jnr the third; who plays Adam Carrington's second niece's clone in the new show said: "We were rehearing a scene where myself and Joan were arguing over a proposed deal to extract oil from cake, and Granny had to slap me in the face - when all of a sudden she shrieked and grabbed her front arm, I wondered what the goddam hell was going on, but before anyone could do anything there was this almighty 'pop' and I was covered in glust... when I looked down Granny had collapsed onto a nearby chaise longue, and was wriggling around moaning: 'Oooh my grumbleblister, by f*****g, t******g grumbleblister'... It was awful". Ms Collins; (who is lovingly known as 'Grid Gob' by fellow actors) was rushed off set in a haze of caviar and Dom Perignon (Rose 2002) to a private clinic in the Hollywood Hills, where treatment is said to consist of bed rest and vindaloo enemas.
Ms Collins; whose illustrious film credits include: "The Slag" and "Giant Ant Monster Attack" has suffered from grumbleblisters since early old-age, and this newest bout of the condition looks set to grind a sudden in halt production for several months as she wrestles with the after effects; which - in occasionally frequent cases can include such unpleasantries as prolonged bust cramp and rattling ovaries. Best friend and co-star Krystle said: "We were all devastated to hear of Joan's grumbleblister problem, we are all wishing her a speedy recovery and are all looking forward to getting back to filming before she dies. We are continuing to rehearse without her at the moment, but are sure to grind to a sudden halt unless she can return to the set".
However, Mdme Collins courted controversy with producers by appearing in an English advert for a well known chocolate bar during her convalescence. Apparently, Mdme Collins; (sometimes known as 'Old Mother Brown Tongue') has an insatiable appetite for chocolate, and couldn't resit secretly leaving for the UK as the contract gave her a free 12 month supply of Curly Wurlys and Flakes to suck on.
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MESSAGES FROM THE MOTHER BRAIN
